The FearLess LoveMore

Is your best friend the key to your best relationship?

Reading John Gottman’s work has profoundly shifted my perspective on relationships. Gottman’s research emphasizes the critical role of friendship and emotional connection in sustaining long-term romantic relationships. His insights challenged my previous belief that romantic and platonic relationships should be kept separate.

When I read this, I really think we’re approaching relationships wrong. Up until very recently, I’ve always separated friendships from romantic relationships. Most of my relationships were pursued because I was attracted to the woman, not because of the quality of the relationship we had. But I’m a firm believer in “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it; if it is, get your hammer.” And something is definitely challenging my ability to form long-term connections. Eventually, the lack of friendship and emotional connection ruins the physical connection. Even if I’m still attracted to you, if I don’t like our connection, I’m only interested in filling my needs. Now I am starting to value the importance of friendship in relationships, and look and looking at my friends differently.

A lot of our relationships are built primarily on attraction. When we’re attracted to someone, that becomes the reason we hang out, talk to them, and do things for them. It becomes the reason we like them as a person. We start to see them through the lens of our attraction rather than who they are as a person.

Oftentimes, when a relationship is built on attraction, when they are not attracted to us at that moment, they don’t fulfill the role of the relationship. They only love you when they want something from you.

When you’re genuinely friends with someone, you communicate differently. There’s a level of trust, communication, and commitment that goes beyond attraction. They may be attracted to you, but even when they’re not, they still show up for you. They’re willing to make you and your relationship a priority. They’re willing to adjust how they do things because they value you and want the relationship to last. Someone who doesn’t value you or who doesn’t see long-term potential in the relationship isn’t going to have much motivation to do the hard self-work to improve their relationship skills in the present.

There’s value in understanding who a person is during different phases of their life. There are things we learn about people that are necessary for long-term relationships that we get in friendships, but not in relationships built on attraction.

You may know how this person treats you when they’re first getting to meet someone they’re highly attracted to. But do you know how they treat you when they’re frustrated? How do they treat you when they’re angry? Annoyed? Insecure? How are they going to treat you when they have money in their pocket? Or when they’re broke? Are they committed to the relationship, or just the attraction? How are they going to treat you if they become attracted to someone else? Did they prioritize you just because they wanted you? Or are you a long-term priority? How will they handle it if you come into conflict with other priorities in their life? A best friend knows you and will accept you flaws, quirks and all.

Many people treat things well in the beginning, only to take them for granted later.

These are things you work out and understand about somebody through friendship. We tend to see our friendships as separate from our relationships instead of a gateway to relationships.

It’s all about what you want. If you’re looking for something physical, attraction is all that’s needed. But if you want something that will last through the ups and downs, you could use a best friend.